so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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