you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I smell stomach acid.
Michael Bay diarrhea
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
