Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I intend to get homeless drunk
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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