the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
