my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
