I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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