My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
