That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
