someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
