sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
