i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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