i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
