I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
