At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
