I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
