Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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