Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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