shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
