he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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