Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
