Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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