with your own penis?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
