I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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