Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
