fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
