Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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