my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
