my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no, he came in my armpit
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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