I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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