and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
