i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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