Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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