that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
