Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Life is so much better after having sex.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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