Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
