Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
