oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
