and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
