I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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