just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
