I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
