dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
