I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
