guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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