I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
