I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
