DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
