...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
