put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
