Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
