Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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