did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
