No awkward lesbian experiences without me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
