better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
