I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
