Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
