I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
