And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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